


Cartman Chokes a Chicken

by Groovatti



Category: South Park
Genre: Fanart, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, My First South Park Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 09:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Groovatti/pseuds/Groovatti
Summary: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.





	Cartman Chokes a Chicken

[ ](https://www.groovatti.com)

_Warning: Strong language and adult situations._

Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!

# PART 1

## SCENE 1

A tribute to the beginning of the movie Fight Club. Extreme close up. The camera starts at the cellular level and slowly pulls back revealing rapidly flowing blood. Hard driving music plays loudly.  
CARTMAN: (Narration) This is your life as it’s ending, one second at a time.  
Camera continues to pull back, now coming through bone and tissue.  
CARTMAN: On a long enough time line, we’re all going straight to hell!  
Camera keeps pulling back from a bead of sweat, easing out to reveal Cartman’s right eyeball.  
CARTMAN: With gigantic red balls in your face, you only speak in vowels.  
Ultimately, we see Cartman’s face covered by a massive red blob. He’s lying on a nicely carpeted floor, somewhere, struggling to breath.

## SCENE 2

Late evening. Wide angle view of Butter’s home.  
Close up of Butters sleeping. He’s singing to himself while he dreams.  
Cut to Butter’s dream.  
Butters is dancing in a circle full of Hello Kitty cats. Magical rainbows are all around as well as unicorns and tap-dancing giraffes.  
BUTTERS: Wow, this is the best time ever!  
Cartman joins in the circle and holds hands with some cute kittens.  
CARTMAN: Hi Butters, I didn’t know I could have so much fun on such a fantastic day! You are an amazing person.  
BUTTERS: Geez, thanks Eric, I’m so glad you could attend.  
Cartman starts to kick the kittens.  
BUTTERS: Eric no! Don’t you do it!  
Butters frantically tries to catch the kittens that Cartman kicks in the air.  
Cut to close up of Cartman.  
CARTMAN: These kitties are so nice…to eat!  
Eric grabs two kittens and starts to angle them towards his mouth smiling evilly.  
BUTTERS: No Eric! No!  
Butters wakes up.  
BUTTERS: Thank hamburgers and french fries that was only a dream!  
Butters gets up to go to the bathroom singing “We are the World” to himself. As he walks out of his room into the hallway, he suddenly hears something odd.  
BUTTERS: Mom? Dad?  
Butters walks down the dark hallway to his parent’s room.  
Camera zooms in on his parent’s door. Suspense music plays.  
Cut to Butter’s hand slowly opening the door.  
Close up of Butter’s shocked face.  
BUTTERS: Mom! Dad!  
Close up of Butter’s parents preparing to have some kinky sex. Ms. Stotch is dressed as a priest, while Mr. Stotch is dressed as an alter boy and is seeking forgiveness. They both quickly look over at Butters, jaws drop.  
Butters pukes.

## SCENE 3

Early morning. Wide angle view of Cartman’s house. Sun slowly starting to rise.  
Close up of Eric Cartman tossing and turning. A rooster crows in the background. The crowing gets louder and louder.  
CARTMAN: God-damned rooster! Shut the fuck up!  
Rooster crows again only louder. Cartman puts his pillow over his head and tries to sleep.

## SCENE 4

Morning. Wide angle view of bus stop. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle stand quietly. Cartman grumbles as he walks up, looking very tired.  
CARTMAN: Did anyone else hear that fucking rooster last night?  
ALL THREE: No.  
KENNY: (Mumbling) What fucking rooster?  
CARTMAN: My god-damned neighbor’s rooster, it was crowing like it had a raging hemorrhoid. I couldn’t get any sleep. I really want to kill that fucking loud-ass thing!  
KYLE: You should do what my cousins do to sea gulls on the beach.  
CARTMAN: And what could that be Kyle?  
KYLE: They throw Alka Seltzers to them. After the sea gulls eat the Alka Seltzers, they explode.  
CARTMAN: Ha, ha! Really? Ha, ha, ha! That’s it; I’m going to make that fucking screaming rooster explode!

## SCENE 5

Noon. School lunchroom. Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Jimmy, and Butters eat their lunch together at the same table.  
STAN: Hey Butters, aren’t you going to eat anything?  
BUTTERS: Geez fellas, I really can’t.  
CARTMAN: Then give me your food.  
Cartman grabs Butter’s bag of chips.  
KYLE: Why can’t you eat?  
BUTTERS: Because, I, uh, I’m not feeling too well, fellas, on account of seeing my parents fornicating last night.  
KYLE: I thought your dad liked men.  
BUTTERS: Well, that’s what I thought too. Come to find out my mom bought something called the Anal Probe 3000.  
EVERYONE: Anal Probe 3000?  
BUTTERS: I don’t know what it is, but my mom says it makes my dad friskier than a Tom cat, whatever that means.  
CARTMAN: Your parents are fornicating? Ha ha! (Spitting out potato chips as he speaks) Aren’t they too old to be fucking?  
BUTTERS: Well, that’s what I thought too, until I saw them going at it all hot and heavy last night.  
KENNY: (Mumbling) Gross!  
BUTTERS: You said it. I tell you, I hope to never, ever see that again! I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. I mean, the sight of them, all dressed up and, and, and…  
Butters throws up. After seeing Butters hurl, everyone else at the table hurls. Then the entire cafeteria hurls.

## SCENE 6

Afternoon. Cartman’s backyard after school. Stan, Kyle, Butters, Kenny, Jimmy and Cartman gather by Cartman’s wooden fence that adjoins his neighbor’s house, the very same neighbor who owns the loud rooster. Butters holds a video camera, while Cartman holds a single, shiny white Alka Seltzer.  
CARTMAN: Okay, ha, ha, I’m going to toss this, ha, ha, Alka Seltzer over the fence and watch that rooster fucking explode. You ready for filming Butters?  
BUTTERS: You betcha!  
Butters aims the camera as he waits for Cartman to tell him to start filming. Cartman tosses the Alka Seltzer over the fence and the gang anxiously watch through various holes in the wooden fence.  
The rooster calmly walks over to the Alka seltzer.  
CARTMAN: There he goes. Come on, eat it. Eat it!  
The rooster kicks the Alka Seltzer around a bit then walks away.  
CARTMAN: God-damned rooster! I’ve had it with you. Okay, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, push me over the fence!  
Kyle, Stan, and Kenny struggle to push Cartman’s fat ass over the fence. Eventually, he makes it over and lands with a thump!  
CARTMAN: Ouch! (Stands up rubbing his ass) God-damned rooster, come here.  
Cartman quickly runs to the Alka Seltzer and then runs around trying to catch the rooster.  
KYLE: Cartman, you’ve got to be smarter than the rooster to catch it.  
STAN: And faster!  
CARTMAN: Thank you smart asses! This thing is a lot faster than it looks. Quick, somebody give me some candy or meat or something that roosters like to eat.  
JIMMY: I, I, I’ve got a butterscotch. Here you go.  
Jimmy tosses it over the fence. Cartman grabs the butterscotch, unwraps it, bites down on it, eats most of it, then walks slowly towards the rooster offering him a small bit of butterscotch candy.  
CARTMAN: Here rooster, rooster, rooster. You stupid bird!  
Cartman eases close to the rooster and then grabs it by the neck.  
CARTMAN: A-ha! Butters, you got this?  
Butters turns on the video camera and aims it at Eric.  
BUTTERS: Okay, action.  
Butters starts filming. Cartman tries to force the Alka Seltzer down the rooster’s neck, to no avail.  
CARTMAN: God-damned stupid rooster, open up your beak!  
A flash suddenly goes off.  
CARTMAN: What the fuck was that?  
Cartman looks up to the second floor of his neighbor’s house and notices his neighbor with a camera in one hand and a phone in the other.  
CARTMAN: Oh shit. Run, run fast!  
Cartman tosses the rooster, puts the rest of the butterscotch in his mouth, runs to his neighbor’s gate, and lets himself out while the other kids run inside Cartman’s house.

## SCENE 7

Thirty minutes later, the boys are in Cartman’s basement playing the board game Risk on the ground, eating chips, drinking sodas, and listening to music. Cartman’s mom comes in.  
MS. CARTMAN: Eric honey, there are some policemen at the door wanting to speak with you. They say it’s important.  
CARTMAN: Ah mom, (feigning sickness), I really, cough, cough, don’t feel very good, can you handle it for me.  
MS. CARTMAN: Sure snookums. Do you want some medicine?  
CARTMAN: No, cough, cough, just some more coke and Cheetos, cough, please.  
MS. CARTMAN: Okay.  
Ms. Cartman leaves.  
CARTMAN: (Boastfully) Ha! My mom will chase those stupid cops away in no time!  
BUTTERS: Boy, I sure wish your mom was my mom.  
JIMMY: Me too, can we ta, ta, trade?  
CARTMAN: No way!  
Ms. Cartman returns.  
MS. CARTMAN: Eric dear, the nice policemen have a photo of you choking the neighbor’s chicken. I really think you need to get up here and explain this misunderstanding.  
CARTMAN: Chicken? Mom, can’t you handle it!  
MS. CARTMAN: Eric honey, they just want to ask you some questions.  
CARTMAN: Aw, okay!  
Cut to Cartman’s doorway where two police officers stand, one holding a large photo in his hand of Cartman choking the rooster. Cartman tries to formulate a lie in his head while Ms. Cartman gazes on from a distance.  
POLICEMAN 1: Son, is this you?  
CARTMAN: Let’s see, blue & yellow cap, check. Red jacket, check. Round, cute, cuddly face, check. Well, it sure is a good likeness.  
POLICEMAN 2: Son, why on earth are you trying to choke your neighbor’s chicken?  
CARTMAN: Rooster! It’s a rooster! And I wasn’t not trying to choke it, I was trying, to uh, to, to feed the poor, little, scrawny, hungry thing.  
POLICEMAN 1: So, this is you?  
CARTMAN: Yes, it is. I, um, came home from school and noticed the poor thing keeled over, obviously near dead from lack of food. So I scrambled to the refrigerator and grabbed everything I could. The rooster was so weak, it couldn’t open its widdow, itty, bitty mouth so I had to force feed it like a mother hen to its young, helpless, hungry chick. And that’s when, my neighbor, Mr. Wippleman took that photo.  
POLICEMAN 2: Well, your neighbor says different and is pressing charges. You’ll receive a court date in the mail; I suggest you get yourself a good lawyer. See you in court.  
Cartman slams the door shut.  
CARTMAN: Goddamn it!  
MS. CARTMAN: Oh my word snooky, I can’t believe they would accuse you of such a horrendous crime.  
CARTMAN: I know. Can you believe it? Stinking neighbors! We should burn their house down.  
MS. CARTMAN: Now Eric, I’m sure everything will come out in court, don’t you worry my little honey bunny!

## SCENE 8

Late night. A few days later. Outside wide angle shot of Butter’s house.  
Cut to close up of Butters sleeping.  
Cartman appears at Butters’ window holding a video camera and wearing camouflaged clothing.  
CARTMAN: (Knocking on the window) Butters, quick, let me in.  
BUTTERS: (Groggy, just waking up) Oh hi Eric, (Opens the window) what are you doing here?  
CARTMAN: It’s on! Let’s go!  
BUTTERS: What’s on Eric?  
CARTMAN: Your parents are doing it again! Let’s film them!  
BUTTERS: What? Eric no!  
CARTMAN: (Shaking Butters) Don’t “no” me Butters. I’ve been camping outside your house for days now! I will not be denied.  
Cartman skips towards the doorway.  
BUTTERS: (Grabbing Cartman’s waist and holding him back) Eric, I’m really putting my foot down.  
CARTMAN: (Dragging Butters) Get off me Butters, this has to be posted on the Internet!  
Butters gets up and runs to his parent’s door to block Eric from entering. The two boys struggle and Cartman eventually opens the door. They look in. Butters’ parents are dressed as Nazis: Ms. Stotch is whipping Mr. Stotch’s behind with her cane (The Anal Probe 3000) while he buries his head in her crotch. They both look up and shriek.  
BUTTERS: (Yelling) Stop it! Stop it this instance!  
Butters pukes while Eric starts filming the Stotches.  
CARTMAN: (Still filming) Oh don’t mind us, go on, continue, but can you give us a bit more emotion this time and Ms. Stotch, I’d like to see you topless, and Mr. Stotch can you shave that hairy ass, please!

## SCENE 9

Morning. Wide angle shot of the school, class time.  
Mr. Garrison’s class. Mr. Mackey comes in to speak to the class.  
MR. MACKEY: It has come to my attention, mkay, that one of you has discovered the art of self gratification. This is not something you should be attempting at your age. Some people, mkay, believe that this leads to blindness and a whole slew of illnesses, not to mention it’s a sin against god and the entire human race, and you will most surely go directly to hell, mkay.  
STAN: (To Cartman) Dude man, I think he’s talking about you.  
CARTMAN: (Half awake, barely listening) Me? Huh? What?  
JIMMY: Yeah, he thinks you’re cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, choking the chicken.  
CARTMAN: (Screams) It was a rooster!  
MR. GARRISON: A rooster? Well, whatever it is you’re calling it nowadays, it must stop! I advise any of you that are experimenting to seek psychological help before you go blind or worse, your hands fall off!

## SCENE 10

Noon. Cafeteria, lunch time. Kenny, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Jimmy are eating at a table together.  
BUTTERS: Holy pickles and jam! Do you really think it’s true that you’ll go blind if you spank your kitten?  
JIMMY: That’s spank your mu, mu, monkey. And no, that’s all ba, ba, bullshit. Next thing you know they’ll say you’ll stuh, stuh, stutter if you do it.  
CARTMAN: (Eying Jimmy suspiciously) Hmmmmm.  
BUTTERS: Well, I don’t really care about smurf stroking or whatever it is you call it. I’ve got more serious problems. My parents were at it again last night, and I told them to stop. Now they want me to see a psychologist after school. And they want you, Eric, to go with me.  
CARTMAN: (Innocently) Me? What on Earth for?  
BUTTERS: You know why! And you made me promise not to tell the fellas, so I won’t.  
Kyle looks curiously at Stan.  
CARTMAN: Why Butters, what in Satan’s name are you talking about?  
BUTTERS: You know very well Eric, and my parents are insisting that you go.  
CARTMAN: Oh no, I really don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll just get my mom to write a note or something saying I’m too sane to attend. The last thing I want is some shrink to brainwash my delicate brain.  
BUTTERS: Actually, my mom said she’d call your mom if you don’t go.  
KYLE: What are you guys talking about?  
CARTMAN: (Innocently) Oh nothing, nothing. (Pissed off) Okay Butters, I’ll go, but don’t expect me to help solve your problems! (To the other guys) He’s got issues.

## SCENE 11

Afternoon. Outside the psychologist’s office. A sign on the door reads, “The Office of Paul Rubens: Clinical Psychologist”.  
Cartman and Butters sit nervously on a big cushy couch. The shrink walks in.  
PAUL RUBENS: Which one of you is Butters.  
BUTTERS: (Sitting up straight) I am sir!  
PAUL RUBENS: Great! Your parents wanted me to talk to you about sex, do you know what that is?  
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically) No kind sir, we don’t. Would you happen to have any graphic material that would help explain it to us?  
BUTTERS: Eric! Don’t mind him sir, he’s just being funny. Yes, we know what sex is.  
PAUL RUBENS: Excellent! So what exactly is it that bothers you about your parents having sexual intercourse?  
CARTMAN: Dude man, they’re like ancient and they’re having sex and making all kinds of noises, dressing up in costumes, and it’s absolutely making him sick. Can’t you tell them to stop or something? They’re like 40, tell them this shit has got to stop!  
PAUL RUBENS: Who on earth are you little boy and why is it that you are here?  
CARTMAN: I’m just here providing moral support for Butters.  
BUTTERS: Don’t you let him fool ya Mr. Rubens. He’s here because he tried to film my parents having sex and also tried to choke his neighbor’s chicken.  
CARTMAN: It was a rooster!  
PAUL RUBENS: (Suddenly interested in Eric) Really? Why a rooster?  
CARTMAN: I was trying to kill, I mean, feed it and got caught, I mean (Cough, cough) my neighbor noticed me trying to help his lovable rooster.  
PAUL RUBENS: How long have you been having these feelings towards your rooster?  
CARTMAN: It wasn’t mine, it was my neighbor’s.  
PAUL RUBENS: So you were trying to pet your neighbor’s rooster?  
CARTMAN: (Shifting in his seat) No, no, no. I was simply trying to feed my neighbor’s rooster.  
PAUL RUBENS: Fascinating! How long have you been interested in your neighbor’s, uh, rooster?  
CARTMAN: Just recently, he’s been keeping me up at night so finally I went over there.  
PAUL RUBENS: And what happened?  
CARTMAN: I tried to simply pet my neighbor’s rooster, feed it, calm it down, and then the cops got involved, and it was ugly.  
PAUL RUBENS: I see. Are your parents aware of this?  
CARTMAN: My mom is. The cops came over and now I’ve got to go to court. It’s no big deal, really.  
PAUL RUBENS: Well, I’d be happy to represent you in court.  
CARTMAN: Really?  
PAUL RUBENS: Yes, I’ll do everything I can to get you off; I mean, help you explain your side of the story. This sounds like a classic case of willy wanking, something I am very familiar with.  
CARTMAN: Great, my court date has been set for next week.

## SCENE 12

Outside wide angle shot of the Marsh’s home. Close up of Stan approaching his dad’s study. Stan opens the door and walks in.  
Randy’s in front of the computer whacking away to porn.  
RANDY: (Not noticing Stan, his eyes are transfixed on the porn) Yes, yes, who’s your daddy?  
STAN: Dad, what are you doing?  
RANDY: (Quickly grabbing a book and putting it over his erect member) Oh nothing, nothing (The book flies in the air while a long steady stream of white goo shoots it up to the ceiling).  
STAN: What the hell is that?  
RANDY: What? (Grabbing the computer keyboard and pushing it down to stem the flow) Oh, that? It’s an old war wound that flairs up sometimes like a geyser (Grabs the computer screen to cover himself up more).  
STAN: Were you in the war?  
RANDY: (Nostalgically) A war? Hmmm. Not really, it was more of a skirmish in the fifth grade. I’ll tell you about it some day when you’re older son.  
STAN: Dad, I’ve got a serious question: Will you go blind if you masturbate?  
RANDY: Stan! (Rubbing his eyes) Who on earth told you that?  
STAN: My teacher, Mr. Garrison.  
RANDY: Well, that is completely untrue and completely irresponsible. I want to have a word with your teacher!

## SCENE 13

Outside wide angle shot of the school, late afternoon.  
Inside Mr. Garrison’s classroom. Mr. Garrison is grading papers. Randy marches in.  
RANDY: It has come to my attention that you are informing nine-year-old children that masturbating will lead to blindness, and that it is a sin punishable by banishment to hell.  
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Mr. Marsh, I most certainly have been.  
RANDY: You admit it! How can you sit there calmly and say that you’re telling this to kids! This is not the dark ages.  
MR. GARRISON: My dear Mr. Marsh, you are as aware as am I that masturbation is a sin! And I can only hypothesize that your concern on the topic must have a deeper meaning.  
RANDY: What? Like what?  
MR. GARRISON: Like, you yourself must have issues with masturbation and that is why you are so upset.  
RANDY: I do not have issues; it’s a normal, healthy thing to do.  
MR. GARRISON: Says who?  
RANDY: Says all the modern sex therapists.  
MR. GARRISON: Well, the only true expert on the subject is god and he clearly says it is a sin, and if you partake, then you are clearly going straight to hell!  
RANDY: (Shaking his fist) I’ll send you to hell if you tell kids any more of this nonsense.  
MR. GARRISON: (Feigning fright) Oh, I’m so frightened. Look! Mr. Marsh, I’ve got news for you; I’ve already booked my one-way ticket directly to hell. And it appears that I’ll see you there!

## SCENE 14

Late evening. Outside wide angle shot of the Marsh house.  
Cut to inside of Randy and Sharon’s room. Randy is dreaming of his first day in hell. He walks up the entrance frightened out of his mind. Flames are singing his skin.  
SATAN: Well, hello Randy, glad you could make it!  
RANDY: Look Satan, there must be some kind of mistake.  
SATAN: Gee, I’ve never heard that one before. Let’s see, (Looking in a big book), Marsh, Randal H. It says here you were very fond of masturbation. Is that correct?  
RANDY: Well, it all depends how you define the word “fond” I suppose.  
SATAN: Let’s see (Looking deeper into the book), I happen to have a detailed video catalog of the times you touched yourself. Would you like to see it?  
RANDY: Uh, no!  
SATAN: It says here that in your heyday, you were up to “doing it” five times a day. Is that a typo?  
RANDY: Five times, a day? Well that does seem a bit excessive.  
SATAN: I guess it all depends on how you define “excessive”. Let’s just agree that you were fond of it.  
Satan puts his arm on Randy’s shoulder and shows him around hell. He walks Randy through a big labyrinth of hell fire and tortured souls.  
SATAN: So Randy my boy, I’ve got a great place for you already lined up in hell. You’ll spend your first millennium in a Vaseline encrusted room with oodles of playboy bunnies, excesses of internet porn, and all the sex material you could ever dream of having.  
RANDY: Sounds great Satan, what’s the catch?  
SATAN: None really, except you’ll be required to service the entire community. I will provide you with extra arms, mouths, and anuses so that you can service up to a 1,000 clients an hour. It’s a great gig; I may even visit you on occasion.  
RANDY: But Satan, I’m not really into, you know, servicing others.  
SATAN: That’s okay, you’ll learn to love it and after you perfect the art of servicing humans sexually, we’ll transfer you to the livestock area.  
RANDY: Satan! Look, I’ve got a little problem, but I think I can whip it. If I do, can I go to heaven instead?  
SATAN: I’m afraid not, you’re already in the books. Of course we must await your death before you begin. But if you like, we can give you a little taste of what your first thousand years will be like. Here you go, check it out!  
Satan throws Randy who now has numerous arms, ten mouths, and a huge ass into a big burning room with anxious naked customers awaiting his services.  
RANDY: Satan, no! I’ll change, I swear I will!  
Randy wakes up in a hellaciously cold sweat. He nervously looks around feeling for extra appendages.  
RANDY: (Relieved) Ha, it was a dream. It was only a dream!  
SHARON: (Barely awake) What was a dream honey?  
RANDY: (Grabbing Sharon) Babe, I just had an epiphany! It was amazing. I now know my purpose in life.  
SHARON: (Trying to go back to sleep) That’s great hun, just tell me all about it in the morning.  
She fades back to sleep. Camera zooms in on Randy’s excited face.  
RANDY: Porn, must stop the porn!

## SCENE 15

Randy’s office. Randy is standing at the water cooler with three of his male coworkers chewing the fat during a break.  
RANDY: Guys, I’ve decided that I’ve got to stop the porn. It’s taken over my life, I can’t stop watching it, so I’ve decided to stop cold turkey.  
COWORKER 1: What! I can’t live without it!  
COWORKER 2: Me neither. If it wasn’t for porn, I’d never get laid!  
COWORKER 3: (Quietly eases forward, looks around suspiciously. Cue ancient Chinese philosopher music). I once was like you grasshopper. I too let the porn dominate my life. Until, one faithful day, I stumbled upon the Gonad 6000.  
ALL THREE: The Gonad 6000?  
COWORKER 3: Yes, you heard me. (Whispering) It’s a state-of-the-art technological gizmo that clamps around your testicles and freezes them. Then, on that one faithful day a month, or year, when your wife is ready to be mounted, you can remove the Gonad 6000 and perform intercourse.  
COWORKER 1: Did you say clamp? I ain’t clamping anything to my testicles! Hell no!  
COWORKER 2: How in the world does it freeze your nuts?  
COWORKER 3: It’s battery powered, you recharge it at night. And it’s not uncomfortable at all, I’m actually wearing one right now (Knocks on his balls and a loud metallic sound rings out).  
COWORKER 1: Sounds like you’re wearing an iron cup.  
COWORKER 3: That’s the Gonad 6000 made with the same technology NASA astronauts use to go to space. It stops all those annoying sexual urges or your money back! Guaranteed!  
COWORKER 2: What happens if someone kicks you really hard in the nuts? Will your balls snap off?  
COWORKER 3: On the contrary, it protects your nuts from cheap shots. I used to walk in fear that someone would graze my package, not any more. And let me tell you, I don’t have any sexual urges or thoughts while it’s on! It’s miraculous!  
RANDY: Well, I’m sold! That’s exactly what I need.

## SCENE 16

Late afternoon. Close up of the South Park sign, someone has scribbled a naked woman on it.  
Cut to outside view of the town pharmacy.  
Randy walks out of the main street pharmacy with a brand new Gonad 6000 under one arm. He nervously tries to avert his eyes from all the sexual advertising he sees on the streets.  
RANDY: (To himself) Must avert eyes. Cannot look at the porn.  
He sees a provocative poster and quickly turns away. He sees a beautiful woman licking an ice-cream cone and turns and abruptly walks the other way. Then he sees a real woman bending over to fix her shoe.  
Frightened, Randy grabs his crotch and runs away.  
Cut to Randy’s car.  
Randy drives home as quickly as possible trying desperately to avoid the porn. As he drives, pornographic images fly at him left and right.  
Cut to the outside of the Marsh home.  
Randy enters the driveway and skids to a stop. He jumps out of his car and runs into his house.  
Cut to the Marsh kids watching TV. Randy runs past them and heads for the bathroom.  
RANDY: (In a hurry) Hi kids!  
STAN: (Not looking up) Hi dad.  
SHELLEY LYNN: (Picking her nose) Hi dad.  
Cut to the bathroom.  
Randy, buck naked, clamps the large chrome Gonad 6000 around his nuts, puts in fresh batteries, and then straps on some suspenders to hold it in place. He turns it on and looks at himself in the mirror. It begins to hum softly.  
RANDY: (Feeling a slight chill) Now that’s what I’m talking about!  
Cut to Sharon in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Randy approaches her from behind and nibbles on her neck.  
SHARON: Randy! Not now! The kids are home and we have company coming.  
RANDY: (Rubbing his Gonad 6000 sexually on Sharon’s leg) Company?  
SHARON: Randy, I told you about it earlier in the week. The Joburgs are coming over to show us their newborn.  
RANDY: But Sharon!  
SHARON: No buts Randy. Go into our study and put on some pornos if you’re horny baby. (Leans back and kisses Randy, then feels his sack) Randy! What is that?  
RANDY: It’s the Gonad 6000. I don’t need porn any more. (Pounding his sack with his fist) I just clamp this baby on, and it automatically freezes my nuts until we’re ready to have sex. It totally takes the edge off!  
Cut to the dinner table. All the Marshes are present as well as Bill & Mary Joburg and their tiny newborn, Willie.  
Cut to Randy eyeballing the enormous cleavage and massive nipple action on Mary Joburg as he munches away at his dinner. He’s mesmerized by her breasts.  
BILL: And so, there was poor Mary all laid out, and they shoved those massive metal forceps right up her crotch, I’ve got it all on video! And they clamped on little Willie’s head, and yanked him right out of her. Pop! He shot out like a champagne cork.  
Randy is just nodding his head, fixating on those titties, and drooling.  
MARY: (Takes out one of her ample breasts and begins feeding Willie right at the table) I couldn’t feel a thing I was so drugged up!  
Randy becomes even more aroused.  
GRANDPA MARSH: (Eying Mary’s breasts) Now ’em are some titties!  
MARY: (Pulling Willie off of her breast, breast milk squirts everywhere) I can’t believe Willie, this big baby, came out of me. My word! (Suddenly hears a strange clicking sound). What’s that noise?  
Everyone turns to look at Randy who has his mouth wide open and a huge puddle of drool has formed on his plate.  
SHARON: Randy!  
RANDY: Huh? (Randy suddenly becomes aware that others are looking at him and then notices the strange metallic noise) Yeah, what is that clicking sound?  
Randy looks down at his Gonad 6000, it’s moving up and down rapidly and clanking on his chair and the underside of the table loudly. It’s red hot!  
RANDY: (Suddenly concerned) Okay everyone, I’m only going to say this once, TAKE COVER!  
Enter super-slomo. Everyone at the table immediately spreads out and dives for cover. The clicking gets louder and louder and then Randy’s Gonad 6000 explodes.

# PART 2

## SCENE 17

Close up of Dr. Phil on stage in front of a large studio audience filming his latest show.  
DR. PHIL: Hi folks, do you ever masturbate and wonder about its divine consequences? Do you see yourself burning in hell for all eternity? Well today we will hear from a panel created to discuss the ethereal issues of self-gratification. (Walking towards his seated panel) We have with us here today the benevolent high priest Godsmear (Close up of the priest), Dr. Joyce Brothers, noted sexual therapist (Close up of Dr. Brothers), and Mr. Randy Marsh (Close up of Randy, wearing bandages from the explosion) self imposed evangelical global banner of the porn. And via satellite, we have Jenna Jameson (Close up of Jenna waving on a big screen), noted pornographic star and here to promote her new autobiographical book: Jenna Does It All (Randy tries to avert his eyes from looking at Jena).  
DR. PHIL: (Turning to camera 3) Okay, let's begin. Priest Godsmear, is self-gratification an actual sin?  
PRIEST: Well Phil, it never directly refers to masturbation in the bible, but refers to it in other ways.  
DR. PHIL: But isn't that odd since it refers to all different forms of sex including sex with animals. Why did it specifically leave out the chapter on masturbation do you believe?  
PRIEST: I cannot answer that, but I suppose it was a taboo subject when the bible was written and people just didn't talk about it then.  
DR. PHIL: They talked about sex with animals, but not masturbation? Fascinating! Now, Dr. Brothers, what is your opinion?  
DR. BROTHERS: Well, I believe self-gratification is the most normal thing in the world, and the fact that the bible does not mention it speaks volumes to that fact. We are humans, and humans are sexual creatures, and self-gratification is a normal part of being human.  
DR. PHIL: I see. Now Mr. Marsh, why is it that you want to put a global ban on porn?  
RANDY: Well, Doc, I uh, had an epiphany one night, I was visited by Satan and he informed me that I was going straight to hell for fornicating, manually.  
DR. PHIL: So what is it specifically that eats you about porn?  
RANDY: It's evil. It causes people to masturbate, which--as the good priest just mentioned--is a sin.  
DR. PHIL: Well, that point is not clear, yet here you have a noted sex therapist saying it's a normal thing to do. Would you agree Jenna?  
JENNA: Men the world over have been self-gratifying themselves to this (Stands up and shakes her breasts) and this (Shakes her ass) and might I mention that my new book goes on sale next week.  
Randy squeals and squirms and abruptly turns his back.  
The men in the audience become extremely aroused.  
RANDY: Now stop it! I said stop it! Turn her off and shut her up! (Standing up averting his eyes from Jenna).  
Jenna disappears from the screen.  
STUART McCORMICK: They took Jenna!  
GOOBACK: Mock Belleek Jenna!  
TOWELIE: Bring back Jenna!  
RANDY: (Turning to face the audience) People listen. The porn is the enemy. And people like her, Ms. Jameson, are part of the enemy. Let me tell you a true story. Before we had kids, my wife and I had sex all the time (The audience nods in agreement). But once we had kids, seems we couldn't find the time to do it (More nodding). So I turned to the porn to relieve myself. My wife even encouraged it, buying me videos and magazine subscriptions, it was our dirty little secret (While Randy speaks we see images of Sharon giving Randy gifts at various Christmases in the past and Randy using the gifts over, and over, as time goes by). But then it dawned on me (A rooster crows). We don't have time or any privacy to engage in our familial duty any more. And why is that?  
STUART McCORMICK: I don’t friggin’ have a clue!  
GOOBACK: Porn be seck?  
TOWELIE: We want Jenna!  
RANDY: I'll tell you why, there is a very big enemy out there, a huge one! Corporations! Yeah, corporations! They are locking our wives and loved ones away for 8-10 hours a day, usually between the hours of 9am-5pm, which is prime sexy time for me. You just can't lock our wives away from us 40 hours a week! It's inhumane!  
More audience members nod their heads in agreement.  
RANDY: So here's what I propose, I say each and every company should have one or more rooms set aside specifically for conjugal visits!  
A few good men in the audience cheer in agreement.  
STUART McCORMICK: They took our wives!  
GOOBACK: Smook knives keck be!  
TOWELIE: Where the hell is Jenna?  
DR. PHIL: Uh, Mr. Marsh, that’s what motels are for, right?  
RANDY: Motels? Who needs the hassle? I say open up the sacred corporate halls and let’s get shagging! Are you with me? (A few cheers from the audience) Are you all going to sit here and let the best sexual days of our lives slide on by while our loved ones are locked away in offices the world over? Think of it men, from now on, every time we get the urge, instead of reaching for the old, reliable, evil, bewitching porn; instead, we can barge into the office, the hospital, the grocery store, the TV station...  
As Randy streams off a laundry list of jobs, we see a montage of men bursting into their wives' offices and having sex.  
RANDY: ...the gym, the police office, the morgue! I say we start demanding conjugal corporate visits! Imagine marching into the office, grabbing our wives by the vaginas, throwing them into the conjugal room, in broad daylight, and making passionate, exotic, patriotic, corporate love in triplicate! Are you with me? (The audience erupts in cheers) So I want everyone listening today to demand that each and every corporation, office, and company create rooms for conjugal visits so we, the men of this great country, can end this porn once and for all and get back to some serious flesh-on-flesh pounding!  
The audience goes wild.

## SCENE 18

Afternoon. Outside Colorado State Courthouse. News 4 roving reporter on screen.  
NEWS 4 REPORTER: Hi Tom, I'm standing outside the Colorado State Courthouse not wearing any underwear. I soiled my drawers after eating a chicken Chipotle burrito and forgot to bring my Chipotlaway. In other news, a young South Park child is defending his right to choke his neighbor's chicken. Raymond Burr is the attorney for the plaintiff. Mr. Burr is seated in a wheelchair and we aren't exactly sure if he is disabled, or trying to reprise his role as Ironsides, or reprising his role as Perry Mason from the vantage point of a disabled person, or just confused and mixing both roles together, Tom, or none of the above. More to follow. Back to you in the studio, Tom.  
Inside shot of a nice courtroom, Judge Judy presiding, nice bright carpeting, and pew-like seating. Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Butters, & Kenny are seated in the front row. Cartman sits alone behind a long wooden table.  
Paul Rubens shows up hung over and sits down next to Cartman, who is all cleaned up and wearing a suit and tie.  
CARTMAN: You smell like alcohol?  
PAUL RUBENS: Scotch actually, don't worry, this is a cut and dry case, I can win this with my eyes shut.  
CARTMAN: Why haven't you responded to any of my phone calls or emails? Are you prepared?  
PAUL RUBENS: To be honest, I haven't looked at a thing, but don't worry, this is pro bono and isn't costing you a thing. And this case is a cinch to win. Just sit there and look innocent. Before too long I'll have them all eating out of my hands.  
CARTMAN: You better have. I gave up my right to a free lawyer, to have you, a drunk psychologist, represent me. So you better get me off, or there will be hell to pay!  
Perry Mason wheels into the courtroom looking stern, game face firmly on.  
KYLE: Who's that?  
STAN: Some dude called Perry Mason, the newspaper says he's never lost a case. Cartman's screwed!  
Cartman's neighbor approaches the stand, is sworn in, and then sits down looking pissed off.  
PAUL RUBENS: (Approaching the stand cockily) You do realize that you have scarred Mr. Cartman for life and he plans to press counter charges once this trial is over?  
PERRY MASON: I object your honor, badgering the witness.  
JUDGE JUDY: Sustained, Mr. Rubens, please refrain from badgering.  
PAUL RUBENS: Okay, let me be a little more direct. (Angrily) My client says that you have been abusing him! Have you?  
NEIGHBOR: Me, what? How?  
PAUL RUBENS: (Loosening his tie and getting in the neighbor's face) Don't play innocent with me.  
NEIGHBOR: What are you smoking?  
PAUL RUBENS: Have you ever tried to touch this child in any way shape or form?  
NEIGHBOR: What? No! Look, he tried to kill my rooster, here's a picture!  
PAUL RUBENS: Let me see that (Ripping the picture out of the neighbor's hand). Oh, oh, it’s a real chicken. (Suddenly very embarrassed) You have a real chicken!  
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Rubens, what’d you think we were talking about?  
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, I apologize, I did not think my client was speaking literally when he was going on about choking his neighbor’s chicken.  
CARTMAN: (Standing up pissed off) It’s a god-damned rooster you imbecile! And that rooster is a menace; he’s been keeping me up all night crowing like a maniac! Your honor, my neighbor's rooster has been disturbing the peace; I say you throw my neighbor in jail until he learns how to live in civilized society (Pounding the table)!  
JUDGE JUDY: Order!  
NEIGHBOR: Your honor, never once did anyone complain about Radcliff the Rooster until now. If Mr. Cartman had a problem he should have come directly to me instead of taking matters into his own hands.  
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, ha, ha, may I approach the bench? (Whispering to the judge) I really blew it here, ha, ha; I thought the kid was choking his neighbor’s chicken if you know what I mean. I prepared the wrong case, ha! So, uh, I’m out of here.  
Mr. Rubens abruptly exits the court while the audience mumbles in speculation.  
STUART McCORMICK: They took his lawyer!  
GOOBACK: May mook mis moymer.  
TOWELIE: Where the fuck is Jenna?  
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman, your counsel has decided to quit. We can reschedule to another time or you can attempt to represent yourself in court.  
CARTMAN: Fuck yeah! I mean, absolutely your honor!  
JUDGE JUDY: Okay, let's take a ten-minute recess so you can gather your thoughts.  
After a short break we return to the courtroom where Cartman’s neighbor is being interrogated by Cartman himself.  
CARTMAN: (Confidently) So, what exactly did you see on the afternoon of the 11th?  
NEIGHBOR: I saw you in the backyard choking Radcliff!  
CARTMAN: I see. (He scratches his chin and paces the floor, then suddenly jumps at the witness) Had you been taking any hallucinogenics prior to said choking?  
NEIGHBOR: No!  
CARTMAN: Narcotics?  
NEIGHBOR: No!  
CARTMAN: Sleeping pills?  
NEIGHBOR: No!  
CARTMAN: Uppers, downers, cheesing your friggin’ brains out?  
NEIGHBOR: No! No! And double no!  
PERRY MASON: Your honor, I object! Where is this going?  
CARTMAN: If I may, your honor, I’m just trying to establish my neighbor’s frame of mind prior to the choking; I mean prior to the alleged choking.  
JUDGE JUDY: Sustained. Mr. Cartman, get on with it!  
CARTMAN: (Pleading) Your honor, we have yet to establish if Mr. Wippleman was wearing glasses or needing glasses, hard of hearing, an animal torturer, and/or a sexual predator!  
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman!  
CARTMAN: (Turning quickly to the neighbor) So, what exactly did you see that faithful afternoon?  
NEIGHBOR: I saw you choking Radcliff!  
CARTMAN: Feeding, I was feeding him! (Frustrated) Okay, next witness.  
BALIFF: The court calls Leopold “Butters” Stotch to the stand.  
Butters approaches the stand and is sworn in.  
PERRY MASON: Mr. Stotch, may I call you Butters?  
BUTTERS: Gee, you certainly may Mr. Mason.  
PERRY MASON: Good, Butters, (Perry slowly glides to the stand) did your friend Eric Cartman try to kill his neighbor’s beloved rooster? Remember you’re under oath!  
BUTTERS: Golly, gee, yes, Mr. Mason, he did.  
CARTMAN: Butters you idiot!  
PERRY MASON: Your witness.  
CARTMAN: (Cartman calmly approaches the stand and runs his finger slowly along the mahogany frame) Okay, Butters, did you actually see me choke the neighbor's rooster?  
BUTTERS: No. But I did see you try to cram an Alka Seltzer down its throat!  
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Butters you fucking asswipe! (To the judge) Dismissed.  
Cartman paces the courtroom floor trying to decide his next move. Suddenly a thought emerges.  
CARTMAN: Your honor, I’d like to call Satan to the stand.  
Satan approaches the stand; the bailiff reads him his rights.  
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Satan, I’m in trouble here, and need your help (winking). (Loudly) Now Mr. Satan, what would you do if you had a neighbor whose rooster crowed non-stop and kept you up at night?  
SATAN: I’d go over there, take that rooster and make one nice bowl of soup out of it. Then I'd cut off my neighbor’s head and stir his head into the soup, roast his heart and then maybe I’d season it with…  
CARTMAN: We get the picture. So in your esteemed estimation, crowing roosters in a quiet neighborhood are a crime against humanity.  
SATAN: Absolutely.  
CARTMAN: Thank you Satan, your witness Mr. Mason.  
PERRY MASON: (Confidentially approaching the stand) So, Satan, you don’t take kindly to noisy roosters do you?  
SATAN: I don’t take kindly to people disturbing my peace.  
PERRY MASON: Oh, I see, you don’t like people bothering you.  
SATAN: Exactly.  
PERRY MASON: So if someone came over, let's say, and tried to kill one of your beloved demons, what would you do?  
SATAN: Oh, believe me, no one would be that stupid, and demons are already dead so no sense killing them again, ha, ha.  
PERRY MASON: Well, work with me here, assuming they weren’t dead, and you had a favorite, I’m sure you don’t play favorites, but if you did, and someone, a friend or neighbor, tried to kill your most beloved demon, what would you do?  
SATAN: Oh wow, I get it, that’s like so uncool! I guess I’d first take their eyeballs out of there sockets and…  
Jumping ahead in the trial to Jesus on the stand being interrogated by Cartman.  
CARTMAN: So Jesus, let me paraphrase here: Be kind to your neighbor and don’t fucking, sorry your honor, don’t f’ing wake them up with loud obnoxious animals!  
JESUS: Sort of.  
CARTMAN: Thank you, your witness.  
BUTTERS: Holy hot dogs with relish, Eric is maybe going to win! Wouldn't that be great!  
KYLE: No way, he's going to get tripped up, just you wait.  
Perry Mason approaches Jesus.  
PERRY MASON: So, Jesus, do you believe in doing unto others as they would do unto you?  
JESUS: Absolutely!  
PERRY MASON: Is choking your neighbor’s beloved rooster a very neighborly thing to do?  
JESUS: Absolutely not!  
PERRY MASON: Is Mr. Cartman guilty of attempted rooster murder?  
JESUS: Absolutely!  
CARTMAN: (To himself) Jesus, you sold me out!  
PERRY MASON: Next witness please.  
BALIFF: Would Mr. Eric Cartman approach the stand please.  
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Oh shit!  
Eric walks to the stand and calmly sits down, crosses his arms, and glares at Perry; the bailiff swears him in.  
PERRY MASON: Son, have you ever lied before?  
CARTMAN: Of course, who hasn’t?  
PERRY MASON: Have you ever lied to your parents, your teachers, to the police?  
CARTMAN: Yeah.  
PERRY MASON: Have you ever tried to take matters into your own hands to avoid conflict?  
CARTMAN: Well, yes, I have, I’m kind of a go-getter that way.  
PERRY MASON: Have you ever thought about the consequences of your actions?  
CARTMAN: Sure. (To the judge in a sweet voice) Your honor, can you please tell Mr. Mason to get to the point already!  
PERRY MASON: In due time. Now, if you had a rooster that crowed often or a dog that barked frequently and bothered your neighbors, what would you do?  
CARTMAN: Mr. Mason, I’d apologize profusely to my neighbors and get rid of the offending animal once and for all.  
PERRY MASON: (Yelling at the top of his lungs right in Cartman's face) THEN WHY DID YOU TRY TO KILL YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BELOVED ROOSTER?  
CARTMAN: BECAUSE IT WAS DRIVING ME INSANE WITH ITS INCESSANT CROWING!!! (Cartman immediately covers his mouth) Oops!  
KYLE: (To Stan) He’s buried!

# PART 3

## SCENE 19

Judge Judy comes out of her judge's chambers and returns with a verdict.  
BALIFF: Please rise.  
Judge Judy sits down on her thrown and puts on her glasses to read the verdict.  
JUDGE JUDY: I’ve heard both of your arguments and I am siding with the accused. All farm animals in residential areas should be kept in check so as not to disturb your neighbors.  
CARTMAN: Sweet!  
Cartman stands up and starts dancing around.  
JUDGE JUDY: Thus, I am fining you, Mr. Wippleman owner of the offending rooster, 500 dollars. However, Mr. Cartman, damaging or attempting to damage your neighbor’s property is illegal. So I am assigning you 20 hours of community service.  
CARTMAN: (Stops dancing) 20 hours, that’s fucking bullshit!  
JUDGE JUDY: 40 hours. Would you like more?  
CARTMAN: Shiiii, oot. No!  
NEIGHBOR: (Flips off judge Judy as he prepares to leave the courtroom) There is no justice in this world!  
JUDGE JUDY: That’ll be 1,000 dollars Mr. Wippleman!  
NEIGHBOR: (Under his breath as he’s leaving) You can pry it outta my cold dead hands, cunt!  
The boys go up to congratulate Eric.  
BUTTERS: Great job defending yourself Eric!  
Satan and Jesus approach the boys.  
CARTMAN: Thanks for the help Satan, not! And Jesus, real convincing! The least you could have done was dress up a bit, shave, and cut your hair. You look like a freaking hippie!  
JESUS: I’m sorry you feel that way my son, I was trying to guide you in the right direction so you could see the light.  
CARTMAN: What light? The only light I see is that society is cruel and there is no justice! Some savior you were! And Satan, you can lick my balls!  
SATAN: What did you say? You’ll burn for all eternity for that!  
CARTMAN: Ha, I’m real scared. Riddle me this old dark one: If I’m dead, how can I burn? I won’t be able to feel a thing. You don’t scare me; you big red donkey!  
SATAN: Donkey! I’ll show you how to feel pain!  
Satan suddenly grows to enormous proportions. He's ten times his normal size and has to bend over to avoid hitting his head on the high ceiling of the courtroom. He abruptly drops his drawers revealing two gigantic red balls that fall out and crush Cartman. A plethora a penises pop out in various shapes and sizes. The crowd shakes in fear.  
STAN: Look at the manliness of Satan; he’s got like 50 dicks!  
KYLE: Dude man, I hope he makes Cartman suck each and every one of them, dry!  
BUTTERS: This is going to be great!  
Cartman struggles to break free from Satan’s gigantic balls.  
SATAN: (In a deep demonic voice) Now lick, lick my balls! Slowly, with feeling!  
We return to the same camera angle from the beginning of the story (Scene 1, Part 1): Cartman is being suffocated by Satan's huge red balls.  
CARTMAN: Dude, (Grunting) it smells like cheese down here!  
Jesus dawns his matrix sunglasses, grabs the Colorado state flag, twirls it, and then skewers Stan’s twin ball sacks. Large black serpents come streaming out. Satan screams in agony shattering the windows for miles around. In a flash, he disappears, as do the serpents.  
Slave stands up in the audience.  
SLAVE: Jesus Christ!  
Cartman runs over to Jesus.  
CARTMAN: Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have turned the other cheek? You really are my savior.  
Cartman drops down and kisses Jesus' feet.  
JESUS: Thank you my boy. But don’t think this gets you out of hell duty!  
CARTMAN: Hell duty? But Jesus, no! Jesus, you my boy, come on!  
JESUS: You can’t talk your way out of this.  
CARTMAN: Awwww, come on! Jesus!  
JESUS: Nope, you’re on a highway to hell, but there’s still hope for you. You can still get on the path of righteousness, if you try to do good in this world.  
CARTMAN: Really, it’s that easy! I’ll try Jesus, I really will try.  
The boys gather around.  
KYLE: Jesus, great job skewering Satan’s balls!  
STAN: Yeah! That was kickass!  
BUTTERS: I’ll say, you really dissected his gigantic scrotal sack!  
CARTMAN: (Eyeballing Kyle) Jesus, I want to clear something up once and for all. Who killed you?  
JESUS: (Patting Cartman’s head) My boy, that is a very intriguing question. To answer it, you must consider three things.  
CARTMAN: Lay it on me Jesus.  
JESUS: Point number one, do I even exist?  
CARTMAN: Of course you exist, what kind of question is that! You’re here right now, we all saw you slay Satan in epic fashion, so what’s next?  
JESUS: Are you familiar with Zeus?  
CARTMAN: Sure, who isn’t?  
JESUS: Say someone like Batman was able to kill Zeus, wouldn’t you worship Batman instead of Zeus?  
CARTMAN: Yeah, I guess.  
JESUS: Well if the Jews killed me, shouldn’t you be worshipping them?  
KYLE: (Grabbing his crotch) Ha, ha, suck it Cartman!  
CARTMAN: Jesus, you silly sausage, that’s simply ludicrous! I can’t worship an entire race, especially one that Kyle’s a part of. Come on! Jesus, you gotta give me another option. Come on!  
JESUS: Okay, the final thing to consider is who had the most to gain from killing me?  
CARTMAN: The Jews?  
JESUS: No. Who was ruling Judaea at the time I was reportedly alive? Who has its global headquarters right smack dab in the middle of Rome? And who would gain the most from blaming others?  
CARTMAN: This really sounds a lot like the Jews! If not the Jews, then I don’t know, (Pondering hard) who could it be? (Really stumped) Wait, I got it! The Irish!  
KYLE: Close lard ass, think soccer and pizza.  
CARTMAN: Oh, I got it! Rome is in Italy! Hey, isn’t Bono Italian?  
KYLE: No, dumbass, he’s Irish.  
CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah, I knew that. I meant Sonny Bono, he’s Italian, right?  
STAN: Yep, is that the only Italian person you can name?  
BUTTERS: Who’s Sonny Bono?  
KYLE: He used to be married to Cher.  
BUTTERS: Who’s Cher?  
KYLE: She used to be married to Gregg Allman.  
BUTTERS: Who’s Gregg Allman?  
KYLE: He used to play music with his brothers and Eric Clapton.  
BUTTERS: Who’s Eric Clapton.  
KYLE: Dude man, just forget it, not important.  
CARTMAN: Jesus, are you saying I should worship the Jews and blame the Italians? Or should I continue blaming the Jews and worship the Italians. Or should I blame both of them, but worship batman and pizza? I’m so confused!  
JESUS: Son, I’m just trying to get you to use your brain.  
STAN: Good luck!  
CARTMAN: Jesus, I’ve got one more question. What about you know (makes a jerking motion)?  
JESUS: What about what?  
CARTMAN: You know, a little jerky, jerky, wanky, wanky, spanky, spanky, where’s that dirty hanky?  
JESUS: What? Out with it, I’m not a mind reader!  
CARTMAN: You know, beat the bishop, pull the pope, squeeze the cheese, tickle the taco, crank the carrot?  
JESUS: What on earth are you on about?  
CARTMAN: You know, (whispers) masturbation.  
JESUS: Oh, jerking off! Sure, what about it?  
CARTMAN: Is it like okay to, you know, to do? Or will you go straight to hell? And will you go blind?  
JESUS: What do you think?  
Close up of Cartman. The lights dim. Show music begins to play quietly in the background. A spotlight shines on Cartman. He takes center stage wearing a top hat and tails and begins to sing.  
CARTMAN: Is masturbation legal?  
The Raisins come in with pompoms and hula-hoops and start dancing all over the court in unison.  
RAISINS: Is masturbation legal?  
CARTMAN: I want to know.  
RAISINS: He wants to know.  
CARTMAN: Is masturbation legal?  
RAISINS: Is masturbation legal?  
CARTMAN: Will you go straight to hell for ringing that bell?  
RAISINS: Ding, ding.  
CARTMAN: Will you go blind for twisting the rind?  
RAISINS: (Dancing the twist) Let’s twist again.  
CARTMAN: Will you blow your butt for busting a nut?  
RAISINS: Nuts go good with raisins.  
CARTMAN: I think I know the answer.  
RAISINS: He thinks he knows.  
CARTMAN: It’s a conspiracy.  
RAISINS: A conspiracy.  
CARTMAN: Who would be evil enough to spread lies and spew hate about self-love?  
RAISINS: Love thyself.  
Goth kids come in with their instruments, bored, "This is really lame" they agree amongst themselves. They begin to play.  
CARTMAN: It was the Brits!  
RAISINS: Oh, yes it was.  
CARTMAN: I tell you they had everything to do with it.  
RAISINS: Oh, yes they did.  
Cartman starts dancing around like he’s on Dancing With The Stars.  
CARTMAN: The Brits created the entire thought of it!  
The whole town struts in, banners unfurl, a full-on orchestra starts to play. Confetti rains down.  
RAISINS: It was the Brits!  
CARTMAN: Yes, (Talking faster) it was the festering zit, Brits. They went to Rome after the Romans like strangled Christians, and like tortured, and strung them up, and fed them piece-by-piece to the lions. Way after that, like back when the Romans suddenly decided to be Christians.  
RAISINS: (Smiling happily, arms stretched out like they are on a cross) The Romans suddenly stopped killing, and torturing, and dismembering the Christians and became Christians too!  
CARTMAN: Then the powers that be needed a way to rebrand Christianity and give it something different than the other religions.  
RAISINS: They wanted to differentiate.  
CARTMAN: Then came the Brits. Those evil, slimy, greedy, crafty Brits, they gave the church a terrible suggestion, "No whacking the winky!" Then suddenly, the church was behind it!  
RAISINS: Don’t whack that winky!  
CARTMAN: Or snuggle that twinky!  
RAISINS: Hands off the merchandise.  
CARTMAN: Don’t touch your willy, don’t gloss your nilly, and don’t get jiggy near the lice.  
RAISINS: Oo, that doesn’t sound nice.  
CARTMAN: Hold on! Hold on! Stop the music! (Music dies down) Guess what, Mel Gibson’s a Brit!  
STAN: (To Kyle) Wait a minute, I thought he was Australian?  
KYLE: It’s part of the Commonwealth.  
CARTMAN: Blame Mel Gibson too! (Music & dancing continues) He’s an evil, mind altering, drunken, abusive, douche bag (The douche bag mascot appears and does acrobatics on a trampoline in the background), and a turd sandwich (turd sandwich descends from the ceiling on a swing).  
RAISINS: Blame Mel Gibson!  
CARTMAN: Mel Gibson killed masturbation! Think of it, he’s got the money and the power to time travel and talk the Romans into it.  
RAISINS: Mel did it!  
CARTMAN: Wait one more second! (Music dies down again) There might be one more to blame.  
RAISINS: Who could it be?  
CARTMAN: (Thinking hard) I know, it’s Canada! Blame Canada! (Music starts up again).  
PHILIP: I knew that was coming.  
TERRANCE: Me too!  
IKE: Me free!  
The camera pans across the mayhem and we see Towelie in the background making out with Jenna Jameson.  
TOWELIE: We have Jenna (Towelie sticks his tongue down her throat, Jenna loves it)! Hell yeahs! Everybody get high!  
Al Gore comes running in.  
AL GORE: Wait a minute! Wait one stinking minute! (The music dies down) What about the ManBearPig? Was he involved? I'm just saying.  
(Music starts up again and the crowd goes nuts)

## SCENE 20

Cut to outside the courthouse.  
NEWS 4 ROVING REPORTER: Hi Tom, I’m standing in front of the Colorado State Courthouse where Judge Judy just ruled in favor of the young South Park child accused of choking his neighbor’s chicken.  
ManBearPig suddenly attacks the News 4 reporter and rips his head off. The severed, bloody head rolls on the ground and eventually comes to a full stop. The camera zooms in.  
NEWS 4 ROVING REPORTER: In other news, Tom, I’ve just had my head ripped off, details at 11:00.  
ManBearPig jumps on the severed head and begins eating it. The camera zooms back to get the whole picture.

## SCENE 21

Afternoon. Cut to close up of huge shinny corporate sign of GoliathMassivelyLargeTech, where Sharon works. The song, Inagodadavida, plays loudly in the background. Camera shows a large corporate structure and pans to the company's parking lot. Camera zooms in on a parked minivan. As the camera zooms, the music gets louder.  
Randy’s van is rocking back and forth in the parking lot. A hand knocks on the door.  
RANDY: If the van is a rockin', don’t bother knockin'!  
Randy is having sex with Sharon in the back of their minivan having a conjugal visit during work time.  
SECURITY OFFICER: Sir, step out of the van please!  
The van slowly stops rocking.

## SCENE 22

Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Jimmy exit the courtroom. They run into Stan’s mom and dad who are in handcuffs about to be booked.  
STAN: Mom, dad, what happened?  
RANDY: Son, we were performing our marital duties, in a parking lot, in our van, when old Johnny Law sticks his peeping-Tom eyes in and decides to arrest us on the grounds of indecent behavior. Can you believe it?  
CARTMAN: You two got busted have sex in a parking lot in the family van? OOOO! What are you teenagers?  
Suddenly picturing the event in their minds, all the kids puke.

## SCENE 23

Jesus is in bed with Satan in hell.  
JESUS: Sorry about puncturing your balls!  
SATAN: No worries, I’m a quick healer. (Leaning over with a frisky look on his face) So Sus, you uh, wanna self-gratify each other?  
JESUS: Gee Bellzy, I'm actually trying out this Gonad 6000 thingamajig. I'm a really hot commodity in heaven, as you can imagine, the ladies just won't leave me alone! This product might actually ward off all the female advances and reduce my carnal desires. The women really are all over me! I mean it's ridiculous!  
SATAN: Stop bragging, Jesus Christ! However, I really wish I could find a Gonad 6000 that fits me.  
JESUS: Now who's bragging?  
SATAN: It's true; they don't have a "super manly" size for super manly types like me. Oh well, I guess I'll just call up a frisky old demon to help me out. I've got this new Anal Probe 3000 that everyone's talking about. (Whips out the device and twirls it around) Let's see, who can I try it out on? Hmm, frisky, old, demon? Who could I call at this hour? (Gets on the phone) Hello Santa, who's your daddy?

## SCENE 24

After school. Outside wide angle shot of the Marsh house.  
Cut to the living room. The kids are hanging out around the TV playing video games.  
STAN: So Butters, are you still seeing that shrink about your parents having sex all the time?  
BUTTERS: Naw, I suddenly stopped puking every time I thought of my parents having sex.  
KYLE: That's good. Hey guys, you know what I learned over that last few days? I learned that self-gratification is a normal part of the human condition and shouldn’t be vilified by the church or anyone else!  
STAN: I learned that parents should masturbate if they aren’t having sex.  
KENNY: (Mumbles).  
KYLE: Yes Kenny, you're right, you shouldn’t try to kill pets with your own hands, especially if the owner is watching. And Satan really does have huge balls and many penises.  
BUTTERS: Fellas (Begging for attention), what did I learn?  
CARTMAN: Butters, you learned that you should record your parents the next time you see them having sex and put it on the Internet.  
STAN: And that you should rejoice that your parents found the time to have sex with one another.  
JIMMY: And, tuh, tuh, that sex with animals should not be attempted. Wa, wa, wait a moment, I learned that one.  
BUTTERS: Fellas, what I think I really learned the most is that some people are really hung up on sex! I don’t condone the idea of my parents having sex, but I guess I have to accept it. Roosters crow, dogs bark, and parents have sex. It’s just natural and I can’t get upset every time I think about it.  
CARTMAN: Well, I learned that Mel Gibson is a lying, shape-shifting, time-traveling bastard! And miraculously, praise Jesus, if you try hard enough, you can solve all your problems. For instance, you know how I’ve been working at that animal shelter lately to resolve my court appointed community service and all, and you know what? I’ve learned that animals have rights too. You would not believe what they do to those animals in there. There’s cutting and desexing going on. That’s wrong, just plain wrong! These creatures need love and kindness, not removal of their sex organs! So I took it upon myself to free every last one of those poor little critters. And one in particular, a large Doberman with a sweet tooth for roosters, I took a liking to. After using a little bit of encouragement, I liberated him into my neighbor’s backyard and now that loud-ass Radcliff the rooster is in heaven or wherever dead roosters go. The sonofabitch!

**THE END**

©Copyright Hillel Groovatti, all rights reserved. Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. Visit [groovatti.com](https://www.groovatti.com) and follow Hillel on Twitter [@groovatti](https://twitter.com/Groovatti).


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